Words aren't enough
by TheRoyalAddict
Summary: The Royal-S06E12 Jill's emergency hysterectomy & how it effects them both
1. Chapter 1

He was confused, upset but most of all worried. His wife had just had to undergo emergency surgery, a part of which he'd had to perform, and as a result she'd never be able to have any more children. Gordon sat in his consulting room, it was past 7pm and he knew that he would shortly have to go to his wife's beside. One thing puzzled him, it seemed that Jill had known she was pregnant so why hadn't she told him? Was he really that much of a rubbish husband? Surely she'd of been excited at the prospect of another child, he certainly would have been. But now miscarried; an ectopic pregnancy in fact, which had led Mr Rose to perform an urgent hysterectomy.

Gordon didn't know how he was going to tell his wife the truly heartbreaking news. She was aware she'd had an ectopic pregnancy. They were the words she'd cried to him shortly before surgery, but she didn't know about the hysterectomy. He guessed, even though she'd hidden the news of the pregnancy from him, that really she had wanted another baby together, they both had. After the birth of Jonathon, Gordon hadn't seen Jill so full of life before; she happily settled into her role as a new mother. In the first few months of Jonathon's life there had been brief mentions of having another baby but then it tailed off. Had Jill decided that one child and two step children was enough?


	2. Chapter 2

Gordon spent an hour over thinking things in his office and then he decided that he'd better go to Jill. It wasn't that he didn't want to, quite the opposite, he just didn't know what he was going to say or how to act. He'd told plenty of patients that they'd had to have a hysterectomy; that they'd never have children again but he'd never had to tell his wife and he'd never imagined he'd have to.

He gingerly walked to the ward that Jill was on. It was dark in the corridors; everybody had been bedded down for the nights and the lights had been dimmed. He paused outside the ward down and peered through the port hole whilst holding onto the rim. His wife lay in the bed on the right hand-side furthest away from the door. He couldn't tell if she was awake but knew she needed him.

Quietly Gordon pushed the door open and walked towards Jill, his black shoes squeaking along the polished floors. A chair had already been placed next to her bed for him to sit on. He sat there, watching her chest rising and falling with each breath she took. Jill was in a white gown with a hospital bed sheet over her, both arms on top. He held her hand, rubbing his thumb in a soft rhythm, as if to comfort her.

Slowly Jill opened her eyes, before they could adjust to the light she knew her husband was sat beside her. His aftershave lingered in the air, it instantly relaxed her. She looked at him, with pain and sorrow in her eyes.

'The tube ruptured, we had no choice but to operate. You lost six units Jill; gave us quite a fright' explained Gordon soothingly  
'I was worried, about having another child and not telling you. And now this'  
'Well your still here, that's all that matters'  
'Please, whatever you do, don't try and tell me they'll be other babies. I know they'll be other babies but.. it doesn't make losing this one anymore bearable'  
Then the look that Gordon gave Jill, of true heartbreak, made her question him  
'What?'  
'The uterus ruptured. Mr Rose had no choice. I'm so sorry, I'm so very sorry'  
'What are you saying?'  
'It was either that or loose you'  
'Hy-hysterectomy?' Sobbed Jill  
'To save your life, it was a last resort I promise. Everything will be alright. My darling it'll be alright'  
'How ever can it be?!' questioned Jill whilst crying her heart out.

Gordon sat there, his left hand cupping her head whilst he tried to comfort her. Truthfully, he didn't know how anything could ever be alright again but all he knew was that Jill was alive and that was the most important thing. He hated seeing his wife so upset and felt the exact same way but couldn't show it. Jill needed him now, more than ever and breaking down wouldn't help anybody.

That night Gordon sat with Jill, reassuring her and cradling her when she cried. She barely ever cried or showed how upset she was but this was one exception. Neither of them could get their heads around the fact they'd never have another child. Life had changed such a lot in the last 12 hours, and not for the better.


	3. Chapter 3

Jill spent ten days in hospital recovering from her major surgery. Gordon popped in to see her whenever he could; mornings, lunch breaks & after work. Under Jill's strict instructions the children were never bought in to visit her. She couldn't face it. The truth was, seeing them reminded her of what she'd lost; not only their unborn child but also the ability to ever carry another baby.

To Jill's relief, ten days after the surgery Mr Rose gave Jill the all clear, she was finally allowed to go home. It wasn't that she was ungrateful for the treatment her colleagues had given her. It was that she would have to work with these people again and being on the receiving end of their treatment was embarrassing & not something she enjoyed.  
After Gordon had finished for the day he collected her bags & helped her to the car. The surgery area was still sore & tender and every movement tugged at the incision, every breath made the pain soar. Clinging onto Gordon's arm, Jill made the slow but short journey to the car. Thankfully Lizzie had gone home for the night so there would be no awkward conversation to engage in.

It was quiet outside, the sun was setting. On a night like this, under normal circumstances, the couple would use the time wisely and take their children to the park. Tonight though, Jill was heading home for the first time in nearly two weeks; to recover. Gordon helped her into the car as best he could and then, without trying to be patronising, he helped her do her seatbelt up. This action was met by a smile from Jill who was thankful for the help.

Car journeys together without the children were usually cherished. It was unusual that none of the kids were with them or that they were even in the same car as each other. They travelled in separate cars to work as they needed them for house calls and so on and if one was to go out shopping the children would accompany them or they'd go alone. This journey though was quiet, neither of them knowing what to say to the other. Jill spent the entire time staring out the window whilst Gordon tried to fill the silence with occasional humming.

Gordon pulled up in the drive way. All three children were in the living room window, the eldest two waving and shouting. This wasn't an unusual occurrence, most days they'd wait by the window for their parents return but tonight they were more excited; Jill was home. After Jill had negotiated getting out of the car she once again clung onto Gordon and together they walked through the front door into familiar territory. By God, for Jill, it felt good to be home & Gordon was just as pleased to have her by his side once again. Before they even had chance to take their coast off Tom & Katie were running towards them. Both of them gave Jill the biggest hug she thought she'd ever had. And as Jill winced Gordon warned the two of them.

'Now be careful you two, Jill's still sore from her operation. Come one, that's it, let go and let her sit down'

That's all they needed. No sooner had they started hugging her, they let go. Jill smiled but the pain was in her eyes. Still, she was pleased to be back home.

'Hello Tom Katie. You missed me? Have you been good for your dad? And where's Jonathon. It's great to be home I can tell you!'

Using the walls for support Jill made her way from the hall into the living room where Jonathon was waiting. Gordon, Katie & Tom followed her.

'We've missed you lots Jill.' Shouted Tom

'And your cooking is much better than dads, he burnt the pie yesterday!' butted in Katie

'That's not true... I just wanted to make sure it was fully cooked first' Added Gordon laughing

Jill slowly and carefully sat down on the sofa and, whilst trying to ignore the pain, she scooped Jonathon onto her lap. His eyes lit up at the sight of his mum & Jill also seemed extremely happy to see him.

'Now here's my little fella! How are you Jonathon?' Jill nested her face into his hair & breathed in his scent, still baby like. Tears formed in her eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

Jill felt lonely & trapped. She'd lost such a great deal in a short space of time; all of it too much for her to take in. Originally she'd felt confused about having another baby but now she hated herself. Of course, deep down, she'd wanted that baby more than anything and now she had lost not only that chance but also any other chances that could have been. And the one thought that kept going through her mind was that Gordon wouldn't want her now, why would he? She couldn't give him anymore children, something he wanted more than anything. Everything was such a mess. Jill just wanted to go back to the day it all happened; tell Gordon the good news that they were expecting another baby together. Somehow she felt that if she had of told him then none of this would have happened; nonsense of course. All Jill wanted was for Gordon to hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay. She wanted to cry into his chest whilst he sat with her and grieve for what they'd lost together but she couldn't. She was sure he'd never want to come near her again, let alone comfort her.

Gordon was lost. Before that awful day he thought he knew where life was taking him along with his wife & children. He had foolishly assumed that at some point in the near future they would add to their already amazing brood with a sibling for their three children. How wrong could he have been? He should be thankful that their children were healthy but it didn't stop him from feeling bereft for the child they'd lost. Of course Gordon knew that Jill would be feeling a lot worse than him; physically and mentally. She'd not only had a miscarriage but also major surgery as well as losing the chance of anymore children. In reality he just wanted to hold her close to him whilst she cried, reassuring her that they'd get through this together but he didn't think it was wise. To him it seemed that she just wanted to be alone and left to grieve alone, much to his disappointment. As much as he needed her he wanted to be there for her but felt helpless.

Their loss had affected them more than either had ever imagined. They felt cut off from the world and empty, but worst of all they didn't know how to act with each other. Each wanted the other to open up to them & they both wanted to grieve together but neither knew how the other felt. Surely things could only improve? Would they ever be able to move forward from those tragic set events? Time would tell.


	5. Chapter 5

_Set several weeks after the last chapter_

It was late. Gordon had successfully settled all three children into bed; Katie had gone to bed without a story, Tom with one and Jonathon had fallen asleep shortly after his bath. As he crept out of Jonathon's nursery, he peered over to take one last look at his beautiful baby soon and then pulled the door shut quietly behind him. He lent his head against the door and sighed; now the tricky task, spending time with his wife without any distractions. Gordon hated himself for even thinking that but it was true. They hadn't had a proper conversation since Jill had miscarried and subsequently had a hysterectomy. Neither of them had braced the subject and this was now making things difficult between them; a clear sense of tension in the air when they were alone together.

As he made his way down the stairs, trying not to make any sudden noise that would wake the children, he heard an unusual sound; a sound that he hadn't heard that often & one that pulled at his heart strings. The sound he could hear was his wife quietly crying. After standing at the bottom of the stairs for several minutes he slowly made his way into the living room and stood just far enough away so Jill wouldn't notice him. She was on the sofa, her face in her hands, sobbing for all she worth. Gordon walked over and sat beside her and wrapped one arm around her shoulders pulling her close to him.

'Oh Jill love, come on... We've got a lot to talk about haven't we darling?' Said Gordon in a loving tone.

Jill carried on crying whilst clinging onto him. It felt like it was finally time to sort things out & to open up about everything.

'Look, I know the last few weeks have been tough on you but we'll get through this I promise. We've just got to talk things through and help each other get over it. Bottling everything up isn't going to help anybody is it, hey darling? Shhh, everything's going to be fine' carried on Gordon as he rocked Jill lightly & kissed the top of her head.

After several minutes Jill composed herself to finally speak.

'Oh Gordon, I'm so sorry. I should have told you that I was pregnant & then none of this would have happened. I was just scared you know... I didn't know what to think or what to do. I've been so stupid & now I'll never be able to give you anymore children. I've let you down & I wouldn't blame you for hating me. 'And then she broke down again.

'Don't be silly, I'll never hate you. We all make mistakes and even if you had of told me there's no doubt you'd still of...' He paused briefly and then carried on but in a lowered tone of voice 'you'd still of lost the baby'

Those words made Jill cry even harder. Together they sat on the sofa, finally grieving for their loss together. Gordon felt so relieved that Jill had finally opened up to him & that he could now try and help her. It was definitely a step in the right direction.


	6. Chapter 6

_Set weeks after the last chapter. Shows Jill & Gordon now learning to cope with their loss and re-build their lives together._

The saying 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger' was more than true in their case. Their tragic loss hadn't killed them or even pushed them apart, in fact it had bought them even together and made them more determined than ever to make things work. Of course that unborn baby had only been created weeks, possibly even weeks, before Jill miscarried it but they couldn't help but think about what it would miss; birthdays, Christmas', its first steps & the list goes on.

They'd sit together at night when the kids had gone to bed and talk about it. Jill had realised that it was best to talk about what had happened instead of keeping it all locked up inside. Her and Gordon would cry about the child they'd never meet and imagine what life would have been like with an extra addition to the family.

'We struggle enough now with three children let alone another. Imagine having another little person to get ready in the morning and another child to divide our time between?!' Joked Gordon

'You're right but we'd have managed. We always manage don't we Gordon?' Replied Jill

'Ah yes, that we do. But we can't dwell on what is never going to happen, just look to the future; Jonathon's first day at school, Katie's wedding & Tom learning to drive. We're lucky really aren't we Jill? We've got three beautiful children and that, we should be grateful for' Explained Gordon as he leant sides and kissed Jill's cheek, followed by him pulling her closer to him

One of many conversations they'd had since Jill had broken down weeks before. Neither of them would ever forget what could have been but had to move on and come to terms they'd never have another child together but the three they did have would bring lots of light into their lives. The love between the two of them was stronger than ever and even from the outside world it was clear they were meant to be together. A marriage truly made of love and respect.


End file.
